To Hell and Back Again
Someone has said that they would like to hear about how did I cope and what kind of mistakes I had made after Brad died. I had to think long and hard about doing this, because I know a lot of people are guilty of judging others including myself. I did say that I would talk about being a widow so not going to sugar coat this. Before you read on please ask yourself do you know what type a person you would become if you were me.
There are different ways to grieve and there is no wrong way. I would say that as long as you get better in the long run you have made it.
Shock - After the news that Brad died, I could not cry I was numb. I was scared to sleep, I was scared of the dark, I was scared to be alone (will get into that more later). I don't think I cried in front of anyone until the day of the funeral. We were able to visit Brad one last time at the funeral home. My tears started, it was starting to kick in that this was somewhat real and not the nightmare that I had thought I had been it.
Mixed Feelings- While at the last visit with Brad I had just got done saying my good byes and watched as everyone else said theirs too. The weirdest thing happened. One of Brad's siblings was up to say good bye. (Brad's the oldest of 9 kids). This sibling leaned in to give a kiss good bye, of course while crying and I watched a huge stream of snot fall on Brad's face. Here is the sibling trying to wipe their brothers face off! Oh my after seeing that I found myself busting out laughing in front of crying friends and family. To know Brad you would know that he had a bit of germ phobia. I am sorry to that sibling for telling that story, but I also want to say thank you. I needed it so much. I needed to feel something besides sadness.
Bargaining- After he was laid to rest I would sit at night trying to think how I could change things. Or what did I do to cause this , was I a bad person, was God punishing me for something I had done. I remember thinking or hoping there was a heaven and hell. Here's what I came up with. There has to be a heaven, there has to be something after this. This cannot be it. And as for hell earth is it. There is just so much pain here.
Loneliness mixed with Crazy Thoughts- I started having theses about 3 weeks after everything was over. It is true that everyone is gone about after 2 weeks. I don't blame them I know they have lives and have to carry on with life. I was scared everyone was gone. I was alone! How was I going to do this by myself, I needed someone to talk to. So I set out to find someone. I guess I was trying to feel whole or normal and want to fill that void in my life. But what I was really looking for was Brad and having my old life back. I also would cling to anyone who would spend time with me. I had so called friends that would take me for a ride. I had gotten a small amount of life insurance money (you get unwanted friends then). Theses friends would talk down to me and talk bad about Brad. I have no idea why I took it. I guess I didn't want to be alone! When I was alone I would wait for Brad to come home. I found myself waiting on the porch, always looking out the window or going to the garage, maybe he will be there.
Depression- After Brad's autopsy came back and I found out why he died and learned about Ehlers-Danlos. Okay so here I am dealing with the fact that Brad is gone, and now they are telling me that my daughter's could have the same thing! I would sit alone (there's that word again) thinking that one day I could open my eyes and the life and the people that are my family is gone.Was there going to be a time where I was alone and look back on a family I once had. EDS became a monster to me. To me it wanted to wipe out my whole family. Not long after I found drinking would become a huge part of my life. Now I wanted to feel numb again, I didn't want to feel all the pain of any of it. About around this time I started dating Dustin off and on (he was in the middle of a divorce), and by the end of the year I had became pregnant with my son Mason. Oh my God, when you are dealing with pregnant hormones, grief, guilt and depression. I was a mess! Yep oh how the rumors start flying. People judging me left and right. I would then open up somewhat to very few people. They still had no clue how much I was dying inside. Everyone would tell me how I have messed up, I knew that. I just wanted help but was so scared to let anyone in. I was scared that I would be judged even more and the pain would continue.
Anger- I would say that started 2 weeks also after Brad's death. Our town was having a annual trash pick up. I was in the garage (Brad's domain) going though things to get rid of. While doing this I was remembering a conversion that Brad and I had. I had told him sometime before he went that the garage needed cleaned and jokingly said you are going to die and leave me with this mess, he replied he knew and had to get started on it. (Never did). Now here I am in this garage remembering what was said and it just pissed me off. I started throwing everything, yelling and screaming. Those words would play over and over in my head still to this day. Now think how mad do you get when your spouse is so in tuned to the TV that they don't hear you. It upsets you. Have you ever had a one sided fight or a conversation. To see your loved one you find yourself sitting at a grave site just wanting someone to talk to about your day. Most couples don't like the arguing that goes along with a relationship. I on the other hand would love one last chance to have a argument with Brad.
Acceptance- All this time I had so many people tell me that it takes time to heal. I became obsessive with time. I needed a date, I so bad wanted to know when time would come. For me I would say it was 4 years. I am at 5 1/2 years now and I can go though a day without everything reminding me of Brad. I still have my days and a long way to go, but I think now I can do it.
So who am I now.........someone working on feeling alive.
What have I learned?
The mind plays crazy tricks on a person
Death is a great weight loss program
Laughter is great even in a time of sadness
and it does take time to heal.
The biggest thing I have done for myself is to be honest with me.
There is no one way to grieve, but there are steps that you have to take to get a bit closer to healing.
A special moment before Brad died:
As a young child my mom thought me to squeeze each others hand 3 times meant I love you. I had thought this to my kids also. While the hospital staff was putting tubes into Brad's mouth he was unable to talk with me anymore. He had reached for my hand and squeezed it 3 times, I knew what he meant.
Thank you Brad!
There are different ways to grieve and there is no wrong way. I would say that as long as you get better in the long run you have made it.
Shock - After the news that Brad died, I could not cry I was numb. I was scared to sleep, I was scared of the dark, I was scared to be alone (will get into that more later). I don't think I cried in front of anyone until the day of the funeral. We were able to visit Brad one last time at the funeral home. My tears started, it was starting to kick in that this was somewhat real and not the nightmare that I had thought I had been it.
Mixed Feelings- While at the last visit with Brad I had just got done saying my good byes and watched as everyone else said theirs too. The weirdest thing happened. One of Brad's siblings was up to say good bye. (Brad's the oldest of 9 kids). This sibling leaned in to give a kiss good bye, of course while crying and I watched a huge stream of snot fall on Brad's face. Here is the sibling trying to wipe their brothers face off! Oh my after seeing that I found myself busting out laughing in front of crying friends and family. To know Brad you would know that he had a bit of germ phobia. I am sorry to that sibling for telling that story, but I also want to say thank you. I needed it so much. I needed to feel something besides sadness.
Bargaining- After he was laid to rest I would sit at night trying to think how I could change things. Or what did I do to cause this , was I a bad person, was God punishing me for something I had done. I remember thinking or hoping there was a heaven and hell. Here's what I came up with. There has to be a heaven, there has to be something after this. This cannot be it. And as for hell earth is it. There is just so much pain here.
Loneliness mixed with Crazy Thoughts- I started having theses about 3 weeks after everything was over. It is true that everyone is gone about after 2 weeks. I don't blame them I know they have lives and have to carry on with life. I was scared everyone was gone. I was alone! How was I going to do this by myself, I needed someone to talk to. So I set out to find someone. I guess I was trying to feel whole or normal and want to fill that void in my life. But what I was really looking for was Brad and having my old life back. I also would cling to anyone who would spend time with me. I had so called friends that would take me for a ride. I had gotten a small amount of life insurance money (you get unwanted friends then). Theses friends would talk down to me and talk bad about Brad. I have no idea why I took it. I guess I didn't want to be alone! When I was alone I would wait for Brad to come home. I found myself waiting on the porch, always looking out the window or going to the garage, maybe he will be there.
Depression- After Brad's autopsy came back and I found out why he died and learned about Ehlers-Danlos. Okay so here I am dealing with the fact that Brad is gone, and now they are telling me that my daughter's could have the same thing! I would sit alone (there's that word again) thinking that one day I could open my eyes and the life and the people that are my family is gone.Was there going to be a time where I was alone and look back on a family I once had. EDS became a monster to me. To me it wanted to wipe out my whole family. Not long after I found drinking would become a huge part of my life. Now I wanted to feel numb again, I didn't want to feel all the pain of any of it. About around this time I started dating Dustin off and on (he was in the middle of a divorce), and by the end of the year I had became pregnant with my son Mason. Oh my God, when you are dealing with pregnant hormones, grief, guilt and depression. I was a mess! Yep oh how the rumors start flying. People judging me left and right. I would then open up somewhat to very few people. They still had no clue how much I was dying inside. Everyone would tell me how I have messed up, I knew that. I just wanted help but was so scared to let anyone in. I was scared that I would be judged even more and the pain would continue.
Anger- I would say that started 2 weeks also after Brad's death. Our town was having a annual trash pick up. I was in the garage (Brad's domain) going though things to get rid of. While doing this I was remembering a conversion that Brad and I had. I had told him sometime before he went that the garage needed cleaned and jokingly said you are going to die and leave me with this mess, he replied he knew and had to get started on it. (Never did). Now here I am in this garage remembering what was said and it just pissed me off. I started throwing everything, yelling and screaming. Those words would play over and over in my head still to this day. Now think how mad do you get when your spouse is so in tuned to the TV that they don't hear you. It upsets you. Have you ever had a one sided fight or a conversation. To see your loved one you find yourself sitting at a grave site just wanting someone to talk to about your day. Most couples don't like the arguing that goes along with a relationship. I on the other hand would love one last chance to have a argument with Brad.
Acceptance- All this time I had so many people tell me that it takes time to heal. I became obsessive with time. I needed a date, I so bad wanted to know when time would come. For me I would say it was 4 years. I am at 5 1/2 years now and I can go though a day without everything reminding me of Brad. I still have my days and a long way to go, but I think now I can do it.
So who am I now.........someone working on feeling alive.
What have I learned?
The mind plays crazy tricks on a person
Death is a great weight loss program
Laughter is great even in a time of sadness
and it does take time to heal.
The biggest thing I have done for myself is to be honest with me.
There is no one way to grieve, but there are steps that you have to take to get a bit closer to healing.
A special moment before Brad died:
As a young child my mom thought me to squeeze each others hand 3 times meant I love you. I had thought this to my kids also. While the hospital staff was putting tubes into Brad's mouth he was unable to talk with me anymore. He had reached for my hand and squeezed it 3 times, I knew what he meant.
Thank you Brad!
posted by Crazy Momma at
4:06 PM
1 Comments:
Wow, Jess. What an honest appraisal of what you went through. Thanks for sharing your experiences and insights.
I believe God allows difficult things in our lives because He wants us to learn about Him...to ask the questions that you were asking. My experience is that if you start asking these questions and start seeking the answers, you'll find them.
You've already discovered that answers don't come right away. It is a life time of learning a little more each day.
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